#27. The GROUP Update

EXAMPLES:

"George Madi joined the group, Guess I'll Go Eat Worms."

"Joe Zee became a fan of, Sometimes I Pee in the Shower."

"Devin Poole joined the group, I Can't Stop Facebooking."

Because we have run out of things to say in our own words, we are letting various groups do it for us. What do we get out of joining these groups? Who knows. Safety in numbers perhaps. The knowledge that you are not alone in your weird habits or various strong opinions. Whereas it used to be cool to think of something unique to say, now it's become cool to be like everybody else, in some random way like enjoying naps or wanting a "dislike" button.

If Facebook dies, I will blame groups, quizzes and Farmville.

#26. The TOO FREQUENTLY UPDATED Update

EXAMPLES:

"Lewis Hardy has written 4 pages of his 10-page paper. Only six more to go ... sigh"

"Lewis Hardy has written 6 pages!"

"Lewis Hardy Eight pages, nothing else to say!"

"Lewis Hardy is DONE WITH HIS PAPER!"

Please. We never asked about that paper in the first place, and now we're getting a play-by-play. This illustrates the fact that the most frequent FB updaters tend to be the ones who are doing very little of interest. We don't update every hour when we're parasailing down in Turks and Caicos ("Tammy Frank is flying over the ocean!" "Tammy Frank is landing!" "Tammy Frank is paying $40 to do it again!" "Tammy Frank is flying again!") We update when we're doing something so boring that we're dying to get a break.

But that's what FB is for. It's part therapist, part coach, part community outreach center. We're all rooting for you on your boring history paper, Lewis Hardy. Especially because we're sick of hearing about it and would like you to finish already!

#25. The QUIZ RESULTS Update

EXAMPLES:

"Simona Ives took the What Radio Station Are You? quiz and got the result: WQXM."
"Elisa Hagar took the What Butte Are You? quiz and got the result: Hoodoo Butte."
"Brett Nevin took the What Line Dance Are You? quiz and got the result: Electric Slide."

We used to take quizzes like these 10 or 15 years ago, in Seventeen Magazine or Cosmo, except they weren't as boring, and we didn't publicize the results to our closest 700 friends and colleagues. Back then, we took quizzes like, "Are you a flirt?" "Do you like bad boys?" "What does your underwear say about you?" And if this latest FB trend of posting quiz results were even remotely as revealing as those magazine games from our teenage years, we might actually want to read about our friends' results.

But as it is, these quizzes are getting out of control, and they completely eliminate the personality of the status update. I don't care what kind of Biblical parable my ex-boyfriend is, and I certainly don't care what kind of oragami pattern my mother's friend's daughter is, nor how well the kid who sat next to me in calculus class knows his home state of Delaware. I say, either make these quizzes 90 times more scandalous, or keep the results to yourselves.

#24. The MID-WEEK Update

EXAMPLES:

"Parker Hotham wishes it were Friday."
"Wade York doesn't think the week could go any slower."
"George Ulmer hates hump day (as well as the phrase 'hump day')."

When you're bored at work for the third day in a row with two and a half more to go, and poring through your news feed instead of answering important e-mails from your clients or preparing that Power Point presentation due Friday, your brain isn't at its cleverest. Hence, the relatively uncreative and predictable Mid-Week update.

But never fear: The week is almost over. At least Friday is closer than it was two days ago!

#23. The MONDAY Update

EXAMPLES:

"Barbie Dumas can't believe it's only Monday."
"Suzie Adlam hates Mondays."
"Lee Kelso feels like it's Friday, but it's only Monday!"

If there's one thing nearly every Facebook user can agree on, it's the fact that Mondays suck. Plain and simple. And since the social network butterflies really flutter to life during work hours, the Monday updates flood in at the beginning of the week.

At least there's our news feeds to make Mondays a little brighter (or does it just make the doldrums worse to be reminded of our worktime addictions to Facebook?)

#22. The SWINE FLU Update

EXAMPLES:

"Nona Orvis has a horrible cough. Uh-oh. Swine Flu????"
"Jared Wicker has a fever ... oink oink oink oink."
"Carlos Ellet: Do Swine Flu victims go to Hog Heaven?"

If there's one thing that's spreading faster than the latest potential pork pandemic, it's alarming news stories about said flu. From TV to radio to newspaper, the media can't keep us scared enough, citing school closings, border closings, world health official warnings and of course the handful of deaths associated with the virus.

But where there's social networking, there's relief from all things serious. Count on Facebook users to counteract the fearmongering by joking around and taking it all in stride. As long as the Swine Flu updates continue, it probably means the spreadable disease is not yet that grave a matter.

#21. The YOU NEVER SEEM THIS HAPPY IN REAL LIFE Update

EXAMPLES:

"Nora Leo loved spontaneous salsa dancing in the park today! Yay, sunshine!!"
"Vicky Tabor had the best ever DQ Blizzard and now gets to see Cheryl and Tyler at the Toby Keith concert!!!! Life rocks."

The You Never Seem This Happy In Real Life updates come from the mopers and Negative Nellies in your life who never say anything positive to your face, but suddenly from the protection (or perhaps under the pressure) of their virtual identity, they get all ga-ga over cheap gas or good weather.

Facebook is full of giddy people bouncing off the walls, often over very simple pleasures. In fact, the simple pleasures often take up a disproportionate amount of the spotlight, because there is pressure to make something out of nothing, and because many truly thrilling moments aren't appropriate for a status update: "Yay, my cancer is gone!" "Yay, I got into Harvard and my best friend didn't!" "Yay, my wife is finally losing all that extra weight!" So instead, we revel publicly in the small things. And in the case of some people, a friend's online persona can be more uplifting than actually being in the same room with them.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#20. The SOOOOOOOOOO Update

EXAMPLES:

"Cory Oliver is sooooooooo annoyed with T-Mobile."
"Peg Slatte is soooooooooo hungry!"
"Mary Looper is SOOOO inspired by Susan Boyle."

No, you guys, really. I really mean it. I know everybody on here is saying they're tired or hungry or happy or pissed, but I am sooooooo tired, hungry, happy or pissed. Or maybe it's just taking sooooooo long to think of something to say.

The nice thing about the Sooooo update is that while it's a little bit of a cop-out, it can convey a person's voice. Not everybody is comfortable with hyperbole, but now and again a little exaggeration is refreshing among the everyday boringness that can plague our news feeds.

#19. The OH COME ON JUST TELL US WHAT IT IS, ARE YOU DYING? Update

EXAMPLES:

"Lewis Davies just got some sad news."
"Abigail Evans feels sick about what happened today."
"Debby Stein can barely breathe over this."

Don't make us all write you private messages, fearing a wall post or status comment is too public! You clearly have some big bad news, but you can only share the fact that you have news, not the actual news itself.

With the Oh Come On Just Tell Us What Happened, Are You Dying? update, you elicit tons of sympathy and worry. But either your news is too sad and personal to even mention on Facebook at all, so shame on you for exploiting it, or you're being melodramatic, so shame on you for taking up our time and sympathy. None of that would happen if you just cut to the chase: Are you dying? ... Or did you just spill marinara sauce on your nice white pants?

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#18. The LOOK HOW POETIC I AM Update

EXAMPLES:

"Frieda Laro awoke to a church-bell-sprinkled Sunday morn."
"Ava Aldo ponders a gentler existence."
"Ian Brown knows pain and joy, darkness and light, tears and exultation."

Move over, Whitman. Heady Facebook users have you beat. The Look How Poetic I Am update announces to your friends that not only is your life deeper than theirs, but you know the art of self-expression and aren't afraid to use it. But how often do we comment, "How beautifully put, Carl!" Not often. Poetry is not rewarded in a status update. Save your best verse for a Note.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#17. The LOOK HOW RELIGIOUS I AM Update

EXAMPLES:

"Ruby Elder is so blessed by God's merciful love!"
"Marcus Etts would be nothing without Jesus."
"Lara Roder is glad his Savior was with him today."

Facebook is so often used and abused for other kinds of networking than social, like doing business (use LinkedIn!) or posting your band events (use MySpace!). But using the Look How Religious I Am update to spread the Good News really thumbs its holier-than-thou nose at all the others.

There you are, scrolling through your news feed (Becky went to the gym, Andrew wrote his philosophy paper, Cora can't stand her inlaws), and without warning, there it is staring at you in the face: "Lucy thanks God for His grace." And all of a sudden the fun is over, and you're forced to confront deep questions about the Meaning of Life and the Purpose of the Universe as you decide whether to be annoyed or encouraged by your friend's public display of affection for Jesus.

Got a good example? Leave it in the Comments section.

#16. The LOOK HOW IN LOVE I AM Update

EXAMPLES:

"Pete Lark sends a kiss to the love of his life and future wife!"
"Holly Quint could lie in bed with Ben forever."
"Bob Chani adores his sweetheart more than life itself."

We're glad that while our own love lives might land the "it's complicated" description on Facebook, yours is quite clearly 100% perfect, and we love hearing about it every day. But sarcasm aside, what compels some people to gush on Facebook? Could it be they're making up for something? They feel a need to prove something to others ... or themselves?

The Look How In Love I Am update could very well be innocent, simply the product of a person overcome by joy and appreciation for their significant other. But not always. Sometimes it's reinforcement to oneself: "See? I really must be in love" or a message to an ex: "I'm happier without you, asshole!"

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#15. The AS IF FACEBOOK WILL CURE CANCER Update

EXAMPLES:

"Dana Stark is the 346,890th person to help eliminate second-hand smoke.”
"Sean Ives wants you to water his Li’l Green Patch.”
"Sammy Pryor is the 89 billionth person to donate their status update to Obama."

Some people give money, some people give time, and some of us give our status updates to help our favorite causes. Not sure how this trend started, and I'm REALLY not sure if it actually accomplishes anything real to donate your update, but at least it tells the world that you're a do-gooder with a pet mission.

It's not my favorite update, though. Facebook is the place for blatant self-absorption, after all, not a venue for exposing injustice or curing cancer. I'd rather know about what GPS you're considering or how many pages you have left on your thesis.

Got a good example? Leave it in the Comments section.

#14. The OK, THIS PERSON'S LIFE IS LEGITIMATELY INTERESTING Update

EXAMPLES:

"Gretta Schurman qualified for the Olympics!!"
"Jared Penn arrested five big-time mob bosses today."
"Adam Melby is safe in his Baghdad hotel after a bomb exploded at the market."

Face it, Facebook fans. Many of us go there to record mundane activities like grocery shopping and watching TV. But once in awhile somebody posts a status update that leaves you wondering, "Wow, your life is that interesting and you still think it's worth logging on to Facebook?"

Social networking is a paradox because usually the people who are the most active online are the least active in real life. At least that's a common criticism. Is it a fair assessment? We're not so sure, but it does warm our heart when we see people manage to lead an exotic life offline and still show up online to tell the rest of us about it in an OK, This Person's Life Is Legitimately Interesting update.

Now, off to drink some water and brush my teeth.

Got a good example? Leave it in the Comments section.

#13. The CLEVERLY LEAVING IT BLANK Update

EXAMPLES:

"Jessie Hopper is."
"Andy Orr ..."
"Matilda Osborne isn't."

Ah, the status update that wasn't. It's either the most existential update there is (what does it mean to be or not to be?) or the most effortless. People who post a version of the Cleverly Leaving It Blank update could be in a state of intense self-reflection and philosophical contemplation, or they're just really lazy. But, hey. It is what it is.

Got a good example? Leave it in the Comments section.

#12. The SONG QUOTE Update

EXAMPLES:

"Liza Kitter kissed a girl, and she liked it!"
"Robin Lamb forget her umbrella, ella, ella, ella."
"Isaac Clapp won't hesitate no more no more."

If you're a frequent Facebooker, you've no doubt suffered from status update block at one point or another, and that's when the Song Quote update can come in handy. It's pretty self-explanatory. When you can't think of anything good to say, summon a good poet or lyricist, and you'll have easily have one of the most compelling status updates around. Plus, song writers are adept at zeroing in on universal themes like love, loneliness, hope, despair and forgotten umbrellas, so why not just channel the pros when you can't think of the exact right words to sum up your mood?

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#11. The PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE Update

EXAMPLES:

"Gabe Samson would rather not, thank you very much.”
"Mary Hales told you so."
"Brenna Vogel could do without THAT in her life."

Although Facebook invites a wide range of uncomfortable dialogue and public displays of TMI, there's still a line many social networkers won't cross. Many people will suggest that they're angry but won't say why, or they'll express frustration about something or someone in their life, but won't say who or what exactly is getting on their nerves.

Like being passive aggressive in real life, the Passive Aggressive update lets you grumble without truly confronting your problem. It means leaving out specifics but incorporating a tone just bitter enough for everyone to know you're disappointed, and might also send a message to the particular person getting under your skin.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#10. The ONOMATOPOEIA Update

EXAMPLES:

"Tabitha Moss is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
"Becky Bosher is ARGHHHH!!!!!!"
"Emmett Diller is Brrrrrrrrrrr!"

There you go. Let it out. Sometimes nothing captures a feeling like a sound. People use the Onomatopoeia update when "is so tired" or "is so annoyed" just won't cut it. Facebook is all about telling everyone how you feel, and sometimes leaning on a single key does the trick. Not only does it tell people how you're doing, but it can be literally therapeutic to just slam out a "grrrrrrrr" or a "brrrrrr" or an "ackkkk!!!!"

And if you think about it, there's hardly a feeling you can't sum up with the Onomatopoeia update. Happy: "LaLaLaLaLa!!" Sad: "Booooooooo!!" Pissed: "Ugggggggghhhh!!"

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#9. The TOO MUCH INFORMATION Update

EXAMPLE:

"Bob Levin’s wife is seriously multi-orgasmic."
"Joe Kass can't stop picking his nose."
"Jodi Portia is having the heaviest period ever!"

Who needs juicy gossip when Facebookers seem more than willing to offer up little gold nuggets about their own embarrassing private lives? Nothing is off limits when it comes to the Too Much Information update. From behind the veil of Facebook faux-anonymity, people will talk openly about their sex lives, body issues, bad habits, secret thoughts, perverted minds and shameful quirks.

Sure, the TMI update might make your readers cringe, but there's also something liberating about airing your inner demons to a generally supportive community of online friends. And who knows, there's a chance somebody will comment in agreement, making you feel less alone.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#8. The DEFYING THIRD PERSON Update

EXAMPLES:

"Hans Bebe is I'm betting Slumdog sweeps the Oscar!"
"Sam Gent I could use a hot shower."
"Claire Dutch is Why does this keep happening to me?"

Facebook is kind of pushy when it comes to status updates: You must speak in third person. You must begin the status update with your name. You must keep it within a certain number of characters. But some people choose to buck the system and use the Defying Third Person update, talking about themselves in what might feel like a more natural way.

How to interpret the first-person status update? Maybe it's laziness, or maybe a general discomfort among some Facebookers with the idea of channeling Bob Dole. But either way, that kind of update can be somewhat jarring. C'mon, people, this blogger says you should play by the rules!

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#7. The MY JOB SUCKS Update

EXAMPLES:

"Ann Ash is in a meeting, yet again."
"Mindy Theo wants out of this cubicle!"
"Alex White would rather work at at Dunder Mifflin."

Since so many of us are Facebooking while working, it's no wonder that the My Job Sucks update is so popular. Work is on our minds. And so often, let's face it, it sucks! If it's not the actual work you do, then it's your insensitive boss, your hectic commute, your chatty coworker, your long hours, the bad coffee in the break room, the bad smell in the bathroom or the bad severance package you're anticipating any day now.

However, you have to admit that if you're using the My Job Sucks update, at least it means you aren't posting the less-favorable Shit, I Really Need A Job update.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#6. The I’M TIRED, AND HERE’S HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP I GOT LAST NIGHT Update

EXAMPLES:

"Dan Wright was up til 3 and up again at 6 for work."
"Chris Keel is functioning (barely) on 2 hours of sleep."
"Inge Neal did not get her required 8 hours and wishes she could take a nap."

Is this really an update? We're all tired. Isn't that a given? We all work too hard and stay up too late watching TV and surfing the internets and Facebooking ourselves into bleary-eyed oblivion. A real update would be the refreshing exclamation, "I feel so AWAKE today!"

And yet the I'm Tired, And Here's How Many Hours Of Sleep I Got Last Night updates persist. People seem to get specific about hours so as to prove that while we all might be in a sort of daze, they are TRULY sleep-deprived. But it probably really means they're just too tired to think of something more interesting to say.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#5. The I HAVE FOOD POISONING Update

EXAMPLES:

"Greg Cho is SO sick from the burrito he just ate at Chili’s."
"Mandy Boule doesn't feel right after that tuna casserole."
"Trevor Kemp always forgets he's lactose intolerant, until it's too late."

People sure love talking about food on Facebook, and the I Have Food Poisoning update is a close second behind the ever-popular I Just Ate Something Great update. In between trips to the bathroom, why not take a few seconds to tell all your friends about the pain you're going through? We've all been there, and chances are you'll ring in some sympathy with the news that you're buckling over with cramps from a meal gone wrong.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#4. The I JUST ATE SOMETHING GREAT Update

EXAMPLES:

"Callie Kent is loving this homemade cheesecake."
"Gwen Aplomb just ate tons of Sorrento's pizza. Mmm."
"Steve Larson just ate large quantities of fresh sushi."

There are so many kinds of eating updates (more to come in future posts), but the I Just Ate Something Great one is probably the most popular. What's the point of telling people about a fabulous eating experience you just had? Maybe it's a way to savor the treat a little longer. It's also something everybody can relate to and appreciate, and we all eat so often here in America that it's no wonder people are always talking about food on Facebook.

... Now, off to that pint of Haagen-Dazs in the freezer.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#3 The WAIT, IS SHE PREGNANT? Update

EXAMPLES:

"Sandy Lott is very excited and a little nervous."
"Steph Noble doesn't want to keep this to herself anymore."
"Ellie Dans is craving pickle ice cream."

You know the type of status update we're talking about. Maybe you've even used one yourself -- slyly knowing exactly what kind of rumors and suspicions you're going to drum up among your friends. Everybody is going to wonder, is she prego?! And face it, that's a fun thing to have people think about you (unless it's because you're just fat).

Inevitably, the Wait, Is She Pregnant? update is going to lead to a string of curious comments: "Wait, are you saying what I think you're saying?" And then you get to come in five or six comments later and pretend like you had NO IDEA your comment would lead people on like that. "No, sillies! I'm not pregnant (our cats are good enough for now, thank you). I just have some other good news. More to come soon!"

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#2. The BIG NEWS BREAK Update

EXAMPLES:

"Kelly Babson is PREGNANT!”
"Jeremiah Post quit his job."
"Sybil Connor is finally freed from a month in jail!"

With the Big News Break update, we can pretty much assume two things: 1) That the ACTUAL friends of this person already know the big news, and that 2) The person posting is now therefore soliciting compliments, shock, or other strong reactions from the remaining "friends." That means you: You who weren't lucky enough to get a call or in-person conversation about whatever the big news is.

Face it: When you get pregnant, you are not going to tell your best friend over Facebook. No, the Big News Break update is specifically aimed at those who aren't on the inside loop. But we're not knocking it. Facebook is all about lesser friends, and there's nothing wrong with second-tier.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#1. The FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT Update

EXAMPLES:

"Jane Smith's pants are fitting better!"
"Delia Jose got all As this semester!"
"Joseph Angel got the job in NYC!"

What is Facebook if not a place to give each other pats on the back? And nothing invites a virtual "you go girl" better than a good old-fashioned compliment hook. Nobody writes these things just to keep people up-to-date. No, Fishing For A Compliment updates are specifically meant for gleaning responses.

Not only will people start commenting about how proud they are of you, but when you write about how great you are, it's a good way to rub it in the face of all your exes and former BFFs that have snubbed you or thought you couldn't do it.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.