#13. The CLEVERLY LEAVING IT BLANK Update

EXAMPLES:

"Jessie Hopper is."
"Andy Orr ..."
"Matilda Osborne isn't."

Ah, the status update that wasn't. It's either the most existential update there is (what does it mean to be or not to be?) or the most effortless. People who post a version of the Cleverly Leaving It Blank update could be in a state of intense self-reflection and philosophical contemplation, or they're just really lazy. But, hey. It is what it is.

Got a good example? Leave it in the Comments section.

#12. The SONG QUOTE Update

EXAMPLES:

"Liza Kitter kissed a girl, and she liked it!"
"Robin Lamb forget her umbrella, ella, ella, ella."
"Isaac Clapp won't hesitate no more no more."

If you're a frequent Facebooker, you've no doubt suffered from status update block at one point or another, and that's when the Song Quote update can come in handy. It's pretty self-explanatory. When you can't think of anything good to say, summon a good poet or lyricist, and you'll have easily have one of the most compelling status updates around. Plus, song writers are adept at zeroing in on universal themes like love, loneliness, hope, despair and forgotten umbrellas, so why not just channel the pros when you can't think of the exact right words to sum up your mood?

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#11. The PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE Update

EXAMPLES:

"Gabe Samson would rather not, thank you very much.”
"Mary Hales told you so."
"Brenna Vogel could do without THAT in her life."

Although Facebook invites a wide range of uncomfortable dialogue and public displays of TMI, there's still a line many social networkers won't cross. Many people will suggest that they're angry but won't say why, or they'll express frustration about something or someone in their life, but won't say who or what exactly is getting on their nerves.

Like being passive aggressive in real life, the Passive Aggressive update lets you grumble without truly confronting your problem. It means leaving out specifics but incorporating a tone just bitter enough for everyone to know you're disappointed, and might also send a message to the particular person getting under your skin.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#10. The ONOMATOPOEIA Update

EXAMPLES:

"Tabitha Moss is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
"Becky Bosher is ARGHHHH!!!!!!"
"Emmett Diller is Brrrrrrrrrrr!"

There you go. Let it out. Sometimes nothing captures a feeling like a sound. People use the Onomatopoeia update when "is so tired" or "is so annoyed" just won't cut it. Facebook is all about telling everyone how you feel, and sometimes leaning on a single key does the trick. Not only does it tell people how you're doing, but it can be literally therapeutic to just slam out a "grrrrrrrr" or a "brrrrrr" or an "ackkkk!!!!"

And if you think about it, there's hardly a feeling you can't sum up with the Onomatopoeia update. Happy: "LaLaLaLaLa!!" Sad: "Booooooooo!!" Pissed: "Ugggggggghhhh!!"

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#9. The TOO MUCH INFORMATION Update

EXAMPLE:

"Bob Levin’s wife is seriously multi-orgasmic."
"Joe Kass can't stop picking his nose."
"Jodi Portia is having the heaviest period ever!"

Who needs juicy gossip when Facebookers seem more than willing to offer up little gold nuggets about their own embarrassing private lives? Nothing is off limits when it comes to the Too Much Information update. From behind the veil of Facebook faux-anonymity, people will talk openly about their sex lives, body issues, bad habits, secret thoughts, perverted minds and shameful quirks.

Sure, the TMI update might make your readers cringe, but there's also something liberating about airing your inner demons to a generally supportive community of online friends. And who knows, there's a chance somebody will comment in agreement, making you feel less alone.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#8. The DEFYING THIRD PERSON Update

EXAMPLES:

"Hans Bebe is I'm betting Slumdog sweeps the Oscar!"
"Sam Gent I could use a hot shower."
"Claire Dutch is Why does this keep happening to me?"

Facebook is kind of pushy when it comes to status updates: You must speak in third person. You must begin the status update with your name. You must keep it within a certain number of characters. But some people choose to buck the system and use the Defying Third Person update, talking about themselves in what might feel like a more natural way.

How to interpret the first-person status update? Maybe it's laziness, or maybe a general discomfort among some Facebookers with the idea of channeling Bob Dole. But either way, that kind of update can be somewhat jarring. C'mon, people, this blogger says you should play by the rules!

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#7. The MY JOB SUCKS Update

EXAMPLES:

"Ann Ash is in a meeting, yet again."
"Mindy Theo wants out of this cubicle!"
"Alex White would rather work at at Dunder Mifflin."

Since so many of us are Facebooking while working, it's no wonder that the My Job Sucks update is so popular. Work is on our minds. And so often, let's face it, it sucks! If it's not the actual work you do, then it's your insensitive boss, your hectic commute, your chatty coworker, your long hours, the bad coffee in the break room, the bad smell in the bathroom or the bad severance package you're anticipating any day now.

However, you have to admit that if you're using the My Job Sucks update, at least it means you aren't posting the less-favorable Shit, I Really Need A Job update.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#6. The I’M TIRED, AND HERE’S HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP I GOT LAST NIGHT Update

EXAMPLES:

"Dan Wright was up til 3 and up again at 6 for work."
"Chris Keel is functioning (barely) on 2 hours of sleep."
"Inge Neal did not get her required 8 hours and wishes she could take a nap."

Is this really an update? We're all tired. Isn't that a given? We all work too hard and stay up too late watching TV and surfing the internets and Facebooking ourselves into bleary-eyed oblivion. A real update would be the refreshing exclamation, "I feel so AWAKE today!"

And yet the I'm Tired, And Here's How Many Hours Of Sleep I Got Last Night updates persist. People seem to get specific about hours so as to prove that while we all might be in a sort of daze, they are TRULY sleep-deprived. But it probably really means they're just too tired to think of something more interesting to say.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#5. The I HAVE FOOD POISONING Update

EXAMPLES:

"Greg Cho is SO sick from the burrito he just ate at Chili’s."
"Mandy Boule doesn't feel right after that tuna casserole."
"Trevor Kemp always forgets he's lactose intolerant, until it's too late."

People sure love talking about food on Facebook, and the I Have Food Poisoning update is a close second behind the ever-popular I Just Ate Something Great update. In between trips to the bathroom, why not take a few seconds to tell all your friends about the pain you're going through? We've all been there, and chances are you'll ring in some sympathy with the news that you're buckling over with cramps from a meal gone wrong.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#4. The I JUST ATE SOMETHING GREAT Update

EXAMPLES:

"Callie Kent is loving this homemade cheesecake."
"Gwen Aplomb just ate tons of Sorrento's pizza. Mmm."
"Steve Larson just ate large quantities of fresh sushi."

There are so many kinds of eating updates (more to come in future posts), but the I Just Ate Something Great one is probably the most popular. What's the point of telling people about a fabulous eating experience you just had? Maybe it's a way to savor the treat a little longer. It's also something everybody can relate to and appreciate, and we all eat so often here in America that it's no wonder people are always talking about food on Facebook.

... Now, off to that pint of Haagen-Dazs in the freezer.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#3 The WAIT, IS SHE PREGNANT? Update

EXAMPLES:

"Sandy Lott is very excited and a little nervous."
"Steph Noble doesn't want to keep this to herself anymore."
"Ellie Dans is craving pickle ice cream."

You know the type of status update we're talking about. Maybe you've even used one yourself -- slyly knowing exactly what kind of rumors and suspicions you're going to drum up among your friends. Everybody is going to wonder, is she prego?! And face it, that's a fun thing to have people think about you (unless it's because you're just fat).

Inevitably, the Wait, Is She Pregnant? update is going to lead to a string of curious comments: "Wait, are you saying what I think you're saying?" And then you get to come in five or six comments later and pretend like you had NO IDEA your comment would lead people on like that. "No, sillies! I'm not pregnant (our cats are good enough for now, thank you). I just have some other good news. More to come soon!"

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#2. The BIG NEWS BREAK Update

EXAMPLES:

"Kelly Babson is PREGNANT!”
"Jeremiah Post quit his job."
"Sybil Connor is finally freed from a month in jail!"

With the Big News Break update, we can pretty much assume two things: 1) That the ACTUAL friends of this person already know the big news, and that 2) The person posting is now therefore soliciting compliments, shock, or other strong reactions from the remaining "friends." That means you: You who weren't lucky enough to get a call or in-person conversation about whatever the big news is.

Face it: When you get pregnant, you are not going to tell your best friend over Facebook. No, the Big News Break update is specifically aimed at those who aren't on the inside loop. But we're not knocking it. Facebook is all about lesser friends, and there's nothing wrong with second-tier.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.

#1. The FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT Update

EXAMPLES:

"Jane Smith's pants are fitting better!"
"Delia Jose got all As this semester!"
"Joseph Angel got the job in NYC!"

What is Facebook if not a place to give each other pats on the back? And nothing invites a virtual "you go girl" better than a good old-fashioned compliment hook. Nobody writes these things just to keep people up-to-date. No, Fishing For A Compliment updates are specifically meant for gleaning responses.

Not only will people start commenting about how proud they are of you, but when you write about how great you are, it's a good way to rub it in the face of all your exes and former BFFs that have snubbed you or thought you couldn't do it.

Got a good example? Post in the Comments section.