#20. The SOOOOOOOOOO Update

EXAMPLES:

"Cory Oliver is sooooooooo annoyed with T-Mobile."
"Peg Slatte is soooooooooo hungry!"
"Mary Looper is SOOOO inspired by Susan Boyle."

No, you guys, really. I really mean it. I know everybody on here is saying they're tired or hungry or happy or pissed, but I am sooooooo tired, hungry, happy or pissed. Or maybe it's just taking sooooooo long to think of something to say.

The nice thing about the Sooooo update is that while it's a little bit of a cop-out, it can convey a person's voice. Not everybody is comfortable with hyperbole, but now and again a little exaggeration is refreshing among the everyday boringness that can plague our news feeds.

#19. The OH COME ON JUST TELL US WHAT IT IS, ARE YOU DYING? Update

EXAMPLES:

"Lewis Davies just got some sad news."
"Abigail Evans feels sick about what happened today."
"Debby Stein can barely breathe over this."

Don't make us all write you private messages, fearing a wall post or status comment is too public! You clearly have some big bad news, but you can only share the fact that you have news, not the actual news itself.

With the Oh Come On Just Tell Us What Happened, Are You Dying? update, you elicit tons of sympathy and worry. But either your news is too sad and personal to even mention on Facebook at all, so shame on you for exploiting it, or you're being melodramatic, so shame on you for taking up our time and sympathy. None of that would happen if you just cut to the chase: Are you dying? ... Or did you just spill marinara sauce on your nice white pants?

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#18. The LOOK HOW POETIC I AM Update

EXAMPLES:

"Frieda Laro awoke to a church-bell-sprinkled Sunday morn."
"Ava Aldo ponders a gentler existence."
"Ian Brown knows pain and joy, darkness and light, tears and exultation."

Move over, Whitman. Heady Facebook users have you beat. The Look How Poetic I Am update announces to your friends that not only is your life deeper than theirs, but you know the art of self-expression and aren't afraid to use it. But how often do we comment, "How beautifully put, Carl!" Not often. Poetry is not rewarded in a status update. Save your best verse for a Note.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.