#27. The GROUP Update

EXAMPLES:

"George Madi joined the group, Guess I'll Go Eat Worms."

"Joe Zee became a fan of, Sometimes I Pee in the Shower."

"Devin Poole joined the group, I Can't Stop Facebooking."

Because we have run out of things to say in our own words, we are letting various groups do it for us. What do we get out of joining these groups? Who knows. Safety in numbers perhaps. The knowledge that you are not alone in your weird habits or various strong opinions. Whereas it used to be cool to think of something unique to say, now it's become cool to be like everybody else, in some random way like enjoying naps or wanting a "dislike" button.

If Facebook dies, I will blame groups, quizzes and Farmville.

#25. The QUIZ RESULTS Update

EXAMPLES:

"Simona Ives took the What Radio Station Are You? quiz and got the result: WQXM."
"Elisa Hagar took the What Butte Are You? quiz and got the result: Hoodoo Butte."
"Brett Nevin took the What Line Dance Are You? quiz and got the result: Electric Slide."

We used to take quizzes like these 10 or 15 years ago, in Seventeen Magazine or Cosmo, except they weren't as boring, and we didn't publicize the results to our closest 700 friends and colleagues. Back then, we took quizzes like, "Are you a flirt?" "Do you like bad boys?" "What does your underwear say about you?" And if this latest FB trend of posting quiz results were even remotely as revealing as those magazine games from our teenage years, we might actually want to read about our friends' results.

But as it is, these quizzes are getting out of control, and they completely eliminate the personality of the status update. I don't care what kind of Biblical parable my ex-boyfriend is, and I certainly don't care what kind of oragami pattern my mother's friend's daughter is, nor how well the kid who sat next to me in calculus class knows his home state of Delaware. I say, either make these quizzes 90 times more scandalous, or keep the results to yourselves.