#27. The GROUP Update

EXAMPLES:

"George Madi joined the group, Guess I'll Go Eat Worms."

"Joe Zee became a fan of, Sometimes I Pee in the Shower."

"Devin Poole joined the group, I Can't Stop Facebooking."

Because we have run out of things to say in our own words, we are letting various groups do it for us. What do we get out of joining these groups? Who knows. Safety in numbers perhaps. The knowledge that you are not alone in your weird habits or various strong opinions. Whereas it used to be cool to think of something unique to say, now it's become cool to be like everybody else, in some random way like enjoying naps or wanting a "dislike" button.

If Facebook dies, I will blame groups, quizzes and Farmville.

#26. The TOO FREQUENTLY UPDATED Update

EXAMPLES:

"Lewis Hardy has written 4 pages of his 10-page paper. Only six more to go ... sigh"

"Lewis Hardy has written 6 pages!"

"Lewis Hardy Eight pages, nothing else to say!"

"Lewis Hardy is DONE WITH HIS PAPER!"

Please. We never asked about that paper in the first place, and now we're getting a play-by-play. This illustrates the fact that the most frequent FB updaters tend to be the ones who are doing very little of interest. We don't update every hour when we're parasailing down in Turks and Caicos ("Tammy Frank is flying over the ocean!" "Tammy Frank is landing!" "Tammy Frank is paying $40 to do it again!" "Tammy Frank is flying again!") We update when we're doing something so boring that we're dying to get a break.

But that's what FB is for. It's part therapist, part coach, part community outreach center. We're all rooting for you on your boring history paper, Lewis Hardy. Especially because we're sick of hearing about it and would like you to finish already!

#25. The QUIZ RESULTS Update

EXAMPLES:

"Simona Ives took the What Radio Station Are You? quiz and got the result: WQXM."
"Elisa Hagar took the What Butte Are You? quiz and got the result: Hoodoo Butte."
"Brett Nevin took the What Line Dance Are You? quiz and got the result: Electric Slide."

We used to take quizzes like these 10 or 15 years ago, in Seventeen Magazine or Cosmo, except they weren't as boring, and we didn't publicize the results to our closest 700 friends and colleagues. Back then, we took quizzes like, "Are you a flirt?" "Do you like bad boys?" "What does your underwear say about you?" And if this latest FB trend of posting quiz results were even remotely as revealing as those magazine games from our teenage years, we might actually want to read about our friends' results.

But as it is, these quizzes are getting out of control, and they completely eliminate the personality of the status update. I don't care what kind of Biblical parable my ex-boyfriend is, and I certainly don't care what kind of oragami pattern my mother's friend's daughter is, nor how well the kid who sat next to me in calculus class knows his home state of Delaware. I say, either make these quizzes 90 times more scandalous, or keep the results to yourselves.

#24. The MID-WEEK Update

EXAMPLES:

"Parker Hotham wishes it were Friday."
"Wade York doesn't think the week could go any slower."
"George Ulmer hates hump day (as well as the phrase 'hump day')."

When you're bored at work for the third day in a row with two and a half more to go, and poring through your news feed instead of answering important e-mails from your clients or preparing that Power Point presentation due Friday, your brain isn't at its cleverest. Hence, the relatively uncreative and predictable Mid-Week update.

But never fear: The week is almost over. At least Friday is closer than it was two days ago!

#23. The MONDAY Update

EXAMPLES:

"Barbie Dumas can't believe it's only Monday."
"Suzie Adlam hates Mondays."
"Lee Kelso feels like it's Friday, but it's only Monday!"

If there's one thing nearly every Facebook user can agree on, it's the fact that Mondays suck. Plain and simple. And since the social network butterflies really flutter to life during work hours, the Monday updates flood in at the beginning of the week.

At least there's our news feeds to make Mondays a little brighter (or does it just make the doldrums worse to be reminded of our worktime addictions to Facebook?)

#22. The SWINE FLU Update

EXAMPLES:

"Nona Orvis has a horrible cough. Uh-oh. Swine Flu????"
"Jared Wicker has a fever ... oink oink oink oink."
"Carlos Ellet: Do Swine Flu victims go to Hog Heaven?"

If there's one thing that's spreading faster than the latest potential pork pandemic, it's alarming news stories about said flu. From TV to radio to newspaper, the media can't keep us scared enough, citing school closings, border closings, world health official warnings and of course the handful of deaths associated with the virus.

But where there's social networking, there's relief from all things serious. Count on Facebook users to counteract the fearmongering by joking around and taking it all in stride. As long as the Swine Flu updates continue, it probably means the spreadable disease is not yet that grave a matter.

#21. The YOU NEVER SEEM THIS HAPPY IN REAL LIFE Update

EXAMPLES:

"Nora Leo loved spontaneous salsa dancing in the park today! Yay, sunshine!!"
"Vicky Tabor had the best ever DQ Blizzard and now gets to see Cheryl and Tyler at the Toby Keith concert!!!! Life rocks."

The You Never Seem This Happy In Real Life updates come from the mopers and Negative Nellies in your life who never say anything positive to your face, but suddenly from the protection (or perhaps under the pressure) of their virtual identity, they get all ga-ga over cheap gas or good weather.

Facebook is full of giddy people bouncing off the walls, often over very simple pleasures. In fact, the simple pleasures often take up a disproportionate amount of the spotlight, because there is pressure to make something out of nothing, and because many truly thrilling moments aren't appropriate for a status update: "Yay, my cancer is gone!" "Yay, I got into Harvard and my best friend didn't!" "Yay, my wife is finally losing all that extra weight!" So instead, we revel publicly in the small things. And in the case of some people, a friend's online persona can be more uplifting than actually being in the same room with them.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.