#20. The SOOOOOOOOOO Update

EXAMPLES:

"Cory Oliver is sooooooooo annoyed with T-Mobile."
"Peg Slatte is soooooooooo hungry!"
"Mary Looper is SOOOO inspired by Susan Boyle."

No, you guys, really. I really mean it. I know everybody on here is saying they're tired or hungry or happy or pissed, but I am sooooooo tired, hungry, happy or pissed. Or maybe it's just taking sooooooo long to think of something to say.

The nice thing about the Sooooo update is that while it's a little bit of a cop-out, it can convey a person's voice. Not everybody is comfortable with hyperbole, but now and again a little exaggeration is refreshing among the everyday boringness that can plague our news feeds.

#19. The OH COME ON JUST TELL US WHAT IT IS, ARE YOU DYING? Update

EXAMPLES:

"Lewis Davies just got some sad news."
"Abigail Evans feels sick about what happened today."
"Debby Stein can barely breathe over this."

Don't make us all write you private messages, fearing a wall post or status comment is too public! You clearly have some big bad news, but you can only share the fact that you have news, not the actual news itself.

With the Oh Come On Just Tell Us What Happened, Are You Dying? update, you elicit tons of sympathy and worry. But either your news is too sad and personal to even mention on Facebook at all, so shame on you for exploiting it, or you're being melodramatic, so shame on you for taking up our time and sympathy. None of that would happen if you just cut to the chase: Are you dying? ... Or did you just spill marinara sauce on your nice white pants?

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#18. The LOOK HOW POETIC I AM Update

EXAMPLES:

"Frieda Laro awoke to a church-bell-sprinkled Sunday morn."
"Ava Aldo ponders a gentler existence."
"Ian Brown knows pain and joy, darkness and light, tears and exultation."

Move over, Whitman. Heady Facebook users have you beat. The Look How Poetic I Am update announces to your friends that not only is your life deeper than theirs, but you know the art of self-expression and aren't afraid to use it. But how often do we comment, "How beautifully put, Carl!" Not often. Poetry is not rewarded in a status update. Save your best verse for a Note.

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#17. The LOOK HOW RELIGIOUS I AM Update

EXAMPLES:

"Ruby Elder is so blessed by God's merciful love!"
"Marcus Etts would be nothing without Jesus."
"Lara Roder is glad his Savior was with him today."

Facebook is so often used and abused for other kinds of networking than social, like doing business (use LinkedIn!) or posting your band events (use MySpace!). But using the Look How Religious I Am update to spread the Good News really thumbs its holier-than-thou nose at all the others.

There you are, scrolling through your news feed (Becky went to the gym, Andrew wrote his philosophy paper, Cora can't stand her inlaws), and without warning, there it is staring at you in the face: "Lucy thanks God for His grace." And all of a sudden the fun is over, and you're forced to confront deep questions about the Meaning of Life and the Purpose of the Universe as you decide whether to be annoyed or encouraged by your friend's public display of affection for Jesus.

Got a good example? Leave it in the Comments section.

#16. The LOOK HOW IN LOVE I AM Update

EXAMPLES:

"Pete Lark sends a kiss to the love of his life and future wife!"
"Holly Quint could lie in bed with Ben forever."
"Bob Chani adores his sweetheart more than life itself."

We're glad that while our own love lives might land the "it's complicated" description on Facebook, yours is quite clearly 100% perfect, and we love hearing about it every day. But sarcasm aside, what compels some people to gush on Facebook? Could it be they're making up for something? They feel a need to prove something to others ... or themselves?

The Look How In Love I Am update could very well be innocent, simply the product of a person overcome by joy and appreciation for their significant other. But not always. Sometimes it's reinforcement to oneself: "See? I really must be in love" or a message to an ex: "I'm happier without you, asshole!"

Got a good example? Post it in the Comments section.

#15. The AS IF FACEBOOK WILL CURE CANCER Update

EXAMPLES:

"Dana Stark is the 346,890th person to help eliminate second-hand smoke.”
"Sean Ives wants you to water his Li’l Green Patch.”
"Sammy Pryor is the 89 billionth person to donate their status update to Obama."

Some people give money, some people give time, and some of us give our status updates to help our favorite causes. Not sure how this trend started, and I'm REALLY not sure if it actually accomplishes anything real to donate your update, but at least it tells the world that you're a do-gooder with a pet mission.

It's not my favorite update, though. Facebook is the place for blatant self-absorption, after all, not a venue for exposing injustice or curing cancer. I'd rather know about what GPS you're considering or how many pages you have left on your thesis.

Got a good example? Leave it in the Comments section.

#14. The OK, THIS PERSON'S LIFE IS LEGITIMATELY INTERESTING Update

EXAMPLES:

"Gretta Schurman qualified for the Olympics!!"
"Jared Penn arrested five big-time mob bosses today."
"Adam Melby is safe in his Baghdad hotel after a bomb exploded at the market."

Face it, Facebook fans. Many of us go there to record mundane activities like grocery shopping and watching TV. But once in awhile somebody posts a status update that leaves you wondering, "Wow, your life is that interesting and you still think it's worth logging on to Facebook?"

Social networking is a paradox because usually the people who are the most active online are the least active in real life. At least that's a common criticism. Is it a fair assessment? We're not so sure, but it does warm our heart when we see people manage to lead an exotic life offline and still show up online to tell the rest of us about it in an OK, This Person's Life Is Legitimately Interesting update.

Now, off to drink some water and brush my teeth.

Got a good example? Leave it in the Comments section.